17 Jun 5 languages of love- How to take care your relationship and make it happy?
Why do so many relationships start breaking down after marriage? Or after 2 magical years of love something needs to end? Why do 44% of marriages end in divorce according to CBOS research? A lot of factors influence it and there is no recipe for love, but for sure 5 languages of love can help. Gary Chapman’s concept establishes that each of us express love in one of 5 ways. If there are differences between partners, a feeling of being unloved could arise. She doesn’t tell me that she loves me, he hasn’t fixed the sink for a month! These tiny upsets and frustrations developing over the years, can at some point cause an outburst. What are these mysterious languages of love and how to achieve it in reality? Let’s go!
Words of affirmation
So in general; words. Often repeating: I love you. The famous “I told her once that I loved her and I didn’t recall it, so it means that nothing has changed” it’s not enough in this case:) A person with words of affirmation as a language of love often repeats I love you, makes complements and appreciates them. The words are fuel for them providing energy and a smooth ride without the car crash. In this case we should appreciate even the smallest things:
- Thank you for making a delicious lunch. No-one cooks as well as you
- I love you
- You are the best thing that has happened to me in my life
- Thank you for being here
- You look really elegant in this suit
- I think that you take care of our children very well
- Thank you for providing for our family
- I’m glad that even when you are busy, you find time for a conversation with me
- You look pretty in this dress
- I have a handsome boyfriend
- I appreciate that you cleaned the apartment when I didn’t have time
What does quality time mean? It means spending time together, focusing e.g. for 30 minutes only on each other- without answering phone calls, checking Facebook or playing with the children. What could it be exactly?
- Sport- playing badminton, tennis, cycling, gym, dancing, playing volleyball
- Going out for dates (minimum once a month!)
- Learning new things together e.g. cooking, pottery, languages
- Short and long trips, spending holidays together
- Watching films or series
A person with a dominant physical touch language needs a lot of tenderness, cuddling and stroking. When they receive it, they bloom. How do you show love in this way?
- Holding hands
- Spontaneous touch – stroking the head, touching the waist or arms
- Hug this person while you are with friends or family
Someone who doesn’t have this language of love and is economical can seem to be crazy. Why keep giving gifts all the time? Why spend money on them? In this case, it’s not just about expensive gifts, but also about the little things that will confirm the fact that we remembered about our partner. You should know that it is investment both in a relationship and in yourself. Examples of gifts:
- Something “found”: a nice shell, a flower from a meadow, a bouquet of leaves, a sparkling stone
- Small notes that a person can find, e.g. in a calendar
- Putting a candy bar or fruit in a bag
- Womens’ and mens’ jewelry, e.g. from a flea market
- A delicious cake from the local bakery
- Any useful gifts e.g. winter gloves, a summer hat
- Non first-need goods, such as candles, cosmetics, a nice pen, etc.
A favour for this person testifies love and commitment. Lack of a proverbial dinner after returning home or not washing the car for three weeks can be perceived by them as disdain and a lack of care. If the favours are not important to us then we should put in a lot of effort and take the time to do it for the other person. Is this not love? What kind of favours can they be?
- Preparation of food – breakfast, lunch or dessert – surprises
- Apartment cleaning
- Caring for the car
- Loading and unloading the dishwasher
- Running errands e.g. in the office or at the post office
- Doing shopping
- Giving someone a ride
- Caring for children
- Taking the dog for a walk
For sure, some people have a question in their head – is this not nasty manipulation? Repeating to someone all the time that they are unique or that you love them? Or hug them nonstop? The answer to this question is no. There is nothing wrong with giving someone what they need. In fact, it may seem unnatural to us, but it takes a matter of time to get used to it. Filling someone’s tank with love, can keep the relationship in good condition. Manipulation presupposes insincerity and bad intentions. We can feel that we love someone, notice efforts or appreciate small gestures and acts, but not verbalize it, because we do not have such a need, if it is not our language of love. Therefore, caring for another person presupposes talking about everything when words are the most important for our half.
What if something is not obvious to us and completely deviates from our language of love? Try and make an effort every day. After some time, we stop appreciating the other person and some issues become obvious. Caring about a relationship is a task for everyone. Think about the benefits that you can achieve by taking care of showing love in a way that is understandable to the other person.
This evening homework – make a list of your languages of love in the order from 1 to 5 and take action! Good luck:)
- „5 languages of love” Gary Chapman